Fantasy Island

“Unless your fantasy is to die, you better come with me”

Review by Lewis Goodall

This may be a quick review, not sure yet cause I haven’t written it but I’m very excited because once I’ve finished this review I’m gonna do a bit of spring cleaning. Spring cleaning of the mind, I’m gonna take a hammer and hit myself repeatedly over the head until I lose all memory of seeing this film. Oh the happy times awake.

Let’s get this over with, Blumhouses Fantasy Island, directed by Jeff Wadlow (don’t worry about remembering the name, you wont see it come up again in cinema), is a horror retelling out a show from the 70’s. Fantasy Island is a place where you can go and have a fantasy of yours come true. When 5 guests win tickets to go to this island, each of them can choose which fantasy it can be. As each of them live their fantasies, as each one starts to become twisted. One of the rules being that they need to play out their fantasy till the end, it soon stops being a fantasy and start becoming a nightmare mwhahahah.

Annoyingly, I like the premise, I say annoyingly because it is something that could’ve been incredibly well if you actually put a shred of heart into it. I’ll come back to this point at the end as a nice way to loop the review so let’s move onto what I didn’t like which is basically everything so I need to get this anger out.

My blood is boiling when thinking back to this maggot infested story line. It’s just complete gibberish, the whole story. Yeah the premise is there, people living out their fantasies but the fantasies that play out how you want and blah blah blah. There’s 5 guests and each of the fantasies are just as mind numbingly boring as the next. I’ll quickly say them, so you have Gwen (Maggie Q), who wishes she could go back and say yes when her boyfriend proposed. Melanie (Lucy Hale), who wishes she can get revenge on an old school bully. Patrick (Austin Stowell), wishes he could’ve enlisted in the military and lastly we have two brothers, Brax and J.D (Jimmy O. Yang and Ryan Hansen) who wish to live it large with a massive party with models and jet skis. All of them stories are so poorly written and boring that it felt like a chore to watch each of them. They’re all told bit by bit so you cut between stories and have you thinking “…. oh yeah, I forgot this story was happening”, I know it wasn’t just me that thought that because my friend i went with also turned to me part way through the film saying, “oh yeah…. they exist”. All the characters are unlikable, especially the two brothers who have the most obnoxious personalities that it made me groan every time there was an attempt at humour. They all sucked, all of them, I want to growl at the writers individually.

The writing was just downright lazy as well, just so predictable and literal with their speech it was just so lame. Some of the plot points also just did not make sense, to the point where I was getting angry with one story because I couldn’t get over what an idiot they were being. This film markets itself as a horror but the only thing that was horrifying was the 2 hour run time. I wish I had a watch on just so I could keep checking the time and judging how long I had left with this bin juice drink of a film. I was actually begging for it to end. I’m not one to walk out of the cinema but I felt tempted by this.

You may be thinking that this is a so bad it’s funny situation ha ha… no… it’s really not. This isn’t me getting playfully angry, I’m actually angry. Mainly because I just cant believe that so many people signed off for this film to be released. Films like this actually exist and it makes me furious. Blumhouse seemed to be a powerhouse for upcoming horrors but nooooope, its releasing pap like this. A horror that’s a 15, which is the biggest joke of it all. Why have a horror film where you cut out 97% of the violence. Whenever there was a moment when a person got cut or shot or anything, it would cut away so you would see as minimal blood as possible. It felt like a horror film for children.

I just realised I’ve written quite a lot and not said much about it so I’ll wrap it up. This film just had nothing, no substance at all. The horror aspects weren’t there and the writing made all the stories unbearable to watch because they felt just very cliche, at least if they were interesting stories then I wouldn’t mind that the horror was lost. Have one or the other, not neither. Finishing the loop from earlier, it’s an interesting premise and I feel If the stories were more hard hitting and played with moral dilemmas more then it would’ve been interesting. Leave with a message instead of cheap jump scares and humour that caters to 13 year olds. There was a lot of promise here and that’s what annoys me, if I was on that island, my fantasy would be to go back in time and go to the writing room for this film and burn it down with the writers in it so the world doesn’t have to suffer no more. 2020 has been a shit show so far, why add this film to the mix.

(P.S maybe check it out for yourself because I’ve just looked on IMDb and loads of people writing review about how it’s amazing so apparently I’m the wrong one here)

1 Tattoo Tattoo out of Tattoo

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