Charlies Angels (2019)

“Theres a cheese sized hole in my soul and I need to fill it”

review by Lewis Goodall

This review is dedicated to the one other person who was in the cinema. A woman who brought a book to see a film who was cracking up at every joke and she absolutely loved it. The book was ‘Invisible Women’, a book about how men own the world and how the women have to fight back and that’s all you have to know about the target demographic for this film. This ones for you random woman.

Charlie’s Angel’s, written and directed by Elizabth banks is the reboot everyone was screaming for. This time the gals are…. oh man I dont have the energy for this one, the story was all over the place, but essentially what happens is an corporation has built a new device that is going to revolutionize the way we use electricity. This device is essentially a hands free Google Home as you speak to it to turn lights on and off. The device has a major flaw though, it has the capability of being weaponized and turned into an EMP that will fry the brain of anyone within about 2 meters of it. It’s a job for the Charlie’s Angel’s to stop this device from getting into the wrong hands and save the world from misogynistic pigs!! GO GIRLS GOOOOOO!!!

I’m going to find it very hard to not get political during this review so I’ll try my best to stick to the film itself rather than the aim of it. So, without further ado, the film review. Its was garbage, a hot steamy load of garbage, but also at the same time not but also yes, yes no yes no yes no. It was certainly a film, that much I can say. It was a 2 hour film that somehow had nothing to it. Theres just so much to say about it, I’m probably sounding very all over the place so let’s break it down and talk about it from a technical stand point.

Technically, this film is pretty sound, at no point did I think that it was shot badly, but also I cant say at any point i thought that it was shot nicely, it was just generic. That’s basically it on a technical stand point, it’s very generic, its minimal enough to do the job and get the point across but it tried nothing to stand out. Action films have been ruined for me because no film will ever be John Wick. Theres just not a lot to say about it because it was just generic nothing bad to say, nothing good to say.

Generic sums up the direction of this film but I was surprised to actually see a bit of character out of the performances, specifically from Kristen Stewart. Again I dont have anything bad to say about the performances. We have Naomi Scott playing, Elena, the new recruit who personally helped build the device with the flaw. We have Ella Balinska who plays plain Jane, the one with obligatory british accent and we have Kristen Stewart playing Sabina, the fun qwerky one. Together they form the angels, with their boss, Bosley, played by the writer and director, Elizbeth Banks herself. Also Parick Stewart is in the film, just thought I’d point the out, had no idea he was in it. As I mentioned, to be honest, I didnt have a problem with their, I feel they all filled their shoes well, nothing off best about them. My problem lies in the script, oh boy let’s go off.

This screenplay is the definition of lazy. The performances were fine but they are let down by such awful… awful writing. It’s just super cringey. Kristen Stewart plays the comic relief and for me, none of her jokes landed, not once did I crack a smile at what she said. It was great seeing a bit of personality out of her but what she was saying was laughable for all the wrong reasons. Saying quotes like “you swiped right, and now I’m your girlfriend” before head butting someone was just overly cringey. Oh man, apparently there were jokes because the woman in the cinema was cracking up at some of the punchlines I couldn’t seem to work out where I was suppose to laugh because the punchlines were more like… I dont know, ticklelines, actually that implied that they make you laugh. Something softer than punching.

I guess I’ll quickly just say what I liked about the film which was some of the action sequences were actually nicely played out. Although they did the typical thing of making jokes while beating someone up, the beting peopleup parts were fairly consistent and in one instant cool as one of the Angel’s slides down a ramp shooting at a bad guy. That was nice.

The whole film was accompanied by a soundtrack by Ariana Grande who is a guilty pleasure so I enjoyed the aspect of the film. See, there were a few things i liked, just overal the whole experience was just boring. Boring and generic with some grade F comedy thrown in. A big problem was the length of the film compared to the content. What I mean is that it was 2 hours with no build to it, there were moments when they tried to humanize the Angel’s by giving them some backstory in the laziest way ever, but you dont really get connected to the characters or what they’re truly feeling. When they show emotion it just kind of happens with no reason or I suppose, context to really feel alongside the character.

Overall its just not a film for me. There are definitely some ma hating feminists that will love this film. Plenty of men in the film, only 2 are nice and one is a naff display of trying to add a love interest, but again, not going to get political. I can certainly see that someone would get something out of this film, the last in the cinema definitely did, but for me, this film was just the same as eating olives, I know people like them, but for me, I cant comprehend that people can est them because they just make me gag.

4 Bowl Cuts out of 10

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